What with the garbage pickup days being swapped around, the holidays are a confusing time
here in Passamaquoddy. So when our lives are hectic and unimaginably out of control, what better way to mess it up more by looking back at the year as it leaves us. So, here is our Top 10 list of newsworthy items here in Passamaquoddy. You will note that we could not come up with a number four.
10. Are you 86?
For several months, you couldn’t walk anywhere near downtown without being asked that question… “Are you 86?” we’re a stubborn breed here in town so it is obvious that nobody was on the fence. They either were 86 or they weren’t. Cliques formed, meetings were held… Rotten Salmon eggs were tossed (which didn’t have quite the effect of tossing A rotten chicken egg). And all of that was done before either side knew what it was to be 86.
Pardon the pun, but in the end “Are you 86?” was a marketing plan by the Passamaquoddy Mortuary.
9. Jellyfish Boy
Everyone was glued to their television on that day and everyone remembers where they were. The day the reports came in that a 6 year old boy was trapped inside an out of control giant jellyfish. Divers chased the jellyfish for knots only to find the whole thing was a hoax. The whole thing was perpetrated by Jeff Heimbuch who put on the ruse in hopes of securing some time on a television reality show. The whole community rallied against Heimbuch and it was clearly decided that Heimbuch would never be seen on television in the town of Passamaquoddy.
On an unrelated note, Jeff Heimbuch was selected as one of the contestants on the reality show Passamaquoddy: Survivor seen on every television around Passamaquoddy.
8. Nothing happened
From August until mid December nothing at all happened. Nothing.
7. Pleasure Island opens off shore
In one of the most brilliant maneuvers by the founders of Passamaquoddy, the closing of Walt Disney World’s PLEASURE ISLAND was the ultimate opportunity. They purchased and relocated – pretty intact – the Pleasure Island entertainment distract to an island just offshore.
In one of the more shortsighted maneuvers by the founders of Passamaquoddy, the new location was constructed without proper boat access. We haven’t heard anything from the employees or seen any signs of life from the island, but we’ll get around to getting some sort of access in the near future.
6. Hoagie Cagg died
A recent poll revealed that 100% of Passamaquoddy denizens recognized the loss of Hoagmund Cagg as an important news item. 67% of those polled said that he will be missed fro a long time. 4% of those polled said they actually miss the odor.
5. Double Double Docs
The first of the double Docs… “A TALE OF TWO DOCS” was a musical that played at the Passamaquoddy community theater. The story tracked the lives and foibles of our own Doc Terminus as well as the Greg “Doc” Grimsley. One of the most successful stage shows ever for the players, it was seen by 84 paying customers and 3 who ’second acted’ it.
The second Double Doc involved a counterfeit Doc Terminus getting involved and screwing around with the success of “Survivor: Passamaquoddy”. It was a mess.
4. Could not come up with a number 4
3. Pretty Good Movie Ride opens
Located down by Hobbles landing near the wharf behind the carcass dumpster for Sand Dollar Ella’s, sits our newest and most exciting entertainment location, “The Pretty Good Movie Ride”… Stop on by and check local listings for movie times of this 6 plex in High Definition video…
2. The “Not Truly Unofficial Guide to Passamaquoddy” finalized
A labor of love, this book chronicles all that Passamaquoddy pretends to be and puts it all at your fingertips… According to editor Fred Appleton I should get out of his yard and the tome will be available in the lamest bookstores and online retailers very soon.
1. Survivor finale
How can a year in Passamaquoddy be recorded without mentioning this television show which set up shop in our village for what seemed an eternity. From the wars and kidnappings, to its auspicious beginning, and on to double dealings.. Nothing could prepare us for the finale.
I still say I would have gotten away with the whole ruse if it hadn’t been for that darn Hoagie!
I don’t care if he’s dead, he revealed my plans somehow, someway! I’ll find the proof I need, and then I’ll be allowed back on TV again!
Don’t forget to watch me on the Survivor re-runs this winter, though!
HELP! HELP! Can anybody hear us?! We’re living off of the books in the library at the Adventurers’ Club! Bit papery, but it’s palatable. But they won’t last forever.
Oh, please! Teh humanity!!! HELP!
Love the High Definition over at “The Pretty Good Movie Ride” But I must say that one of the highlights for me this year was the during a preshow on April first. Clem Dickson was running the VHS that night. Seems he had done a little editing earlier in the day and inserted a loop of Jeff Heimbuch’s tower fall complete with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida playing in the background. Strange, never saw it again after that night. Can’t wait for the reruns myself.
Just so you know, I am working on the first act of a new play, “They Call Me Mister Doc”. It is about a big city Doc who comes to a small town to investigate the alleged “murder” of one of Passamaquoddy’s more aromatic citizens.
To: Pleasure Island Castmember…try the cookbooks. They’re more filling.
I do so miss the updates here..perhaps a more eventful past 5 months would have been helpful, but with Hoagies passing it seems as though the flowers have no taste, the sun smells a little less fruity and even the geoducks are not as sparkly!
I would give anything to see just one last Hoagie Retrospective from Passamaquoddy.
Anything to bring a bit of stench to my day.
i am still bitter about losing survivor. poo.
sambycat
Great site and articles
thanx
I feel you are too good to write Genius!Thanks for posting, maybe we can see more on this.
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