What with the garbage pickup days being swapped around, the holidays are a confusing time
here in Passamaquoddy. So when our lives are hectic and unimaginably out of control, what better way to mess it up more by looking back at the year as it leaves us. So, here is our Top 10 list of newsworthy items here in Passamaquoddy. You will note that we could not come up with a number four.
10. Are you 86?
For several months, you couldn’t walk anywhere near downtown without being asked that question… “Are you 86?” we’re a stubborn breed here in town so it is obvious that nobody was on the fence. They either were 86 or they weren’t. Cliques formed, meetings were held… Rotten Salmon eggs were tossed (which didn’t have quite the effect of tossing A rotten chicken egg). And all of that was done before either side knew what it was to be 86.
Pardon the pun, but in the end “Are you 86?” was a marketing plan by the Passamaquoddy Mortuary.
9. Jellyfish Boy
Everyone was glued to their television on that day and everyone remembers where they were. The day the reports came in that a 6 year old boy was trapped inside an out of control giant jellyfish. Divers chased the jellyfish for knots only to find the whole thing was a hoax. The whole thing was perpetrated by Jeff Heimbuch who put on the ruse in hopes of securing some time on a television reality show. The whole community rallied against Heimbuch and it was clearly decided that Heimbuch would never be seen on television in the town of Passamaquoddy.
On an unrelated note, Jeff Heimbuch was selected as one of the contestants on the reality show Passamaquoddy: Survivor seen on every television around Passamaquoddy.
8. Nothing happened
From August until mid December nothing at all happened. Nothing.
7. Pleasure Island opens off shore
In one of the most brilliant maneuvers by the founders of Passamaquoddy, the closing of Walt Disney World’s PLEASURE ISLAND was the ultimate opportunity. They purchased and relocated – pretty intact – the Pleasure Island entertainment distract to an island just offshore.
In one of the more shortsighted maneuvers by the founders of Passamaquoddy, the new location was constructed without proper boat access. We haven’t heard anything from the employees or seen any signs of life from the island, but we’ll get around to getting some sort of access in the near future.
6. Hoagie Cagg died
A recent poll revealed that 100% of Passamaquoddy denizens recognized the loss of Hoagmund Cagg as an important news item. 67% of those polled said that he will be missed fro a long time. 4% of those polled said they actually miss the odor.
5. Double Double Docs
The first of the double Docs… “A TALE OF TWO DOCS” was a musical that played at the Passamaquoddy community theater. The story tracked the lives and foibles of our own Doc Terminus as well as the Greg “Doc” Grimsley. One of the most successful stage shows ever for the players, it was seen by 84 paying customers and 3 who ‘second acted’ it.
The second Double Doc involved a counterfeit Doc Terminus getting involved and screwing around with the success of “Survivor: Passamaquoddy”. It was a mess.
4. Could not come up with a number 4
3. Pretty Good Movie Ride opens
Located down by Hobbles landing near the wharf behind the carcass dumpster for Sand Dollar Ella’s, sits our newest and most exciting entertainment location, “The Pretty Good Movie Ride”… Stop on by and check local listings for movie times of this 6 plex in High Definition video…
2. The “Not Truly Unofficial Guide to Passamaquoddy” finalized
A labor of love, this book chronicles all that Passamaquoddy pretends to be and puts it all at your fingertips… According to editor Fred Appleton I should get out of his yard and the tome will be available in the lamest bookstores and online retailers very soon.
1. Survivor finale
How can a year in Passamaquoddy be recorded without mentioning this television show which set up shop in our village for what seemed an eternity. From the wars and kidnappings, to its auspicious beginning, and on to double dealings.. Nothing could prepare us for the finale.
December 25th is right around the corner. And we all know what December 25th means. Garbage pickup switches from Tuesday to Wednesday until February. It also happens to be Christmas time (Coincidence? I don’t think so…). So the guy from the Passamaquoddy Cinema that sells the tickets and makes the popcorn shrimp, (not the guy with that peg-leg) told me about this event coming this season.
“Kipzar Films” announces a coastline promotional tour in support of holiday release.
From Kipzar Film’s the studio that brought you such classic hits as Buoy Story , The Incrustaceans, Crabatouille, and Wall-Eyed, comes a much anticipated remake of Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”
In keeping with true Kipzar tradition, this classic tale will get the expected nautical twist. Casting for “A Fishmas Tale” has proven an interesting choice with the role of Ebenezer portrayed by the vocal talents of Shakespearean actor Sir Patrick Steward. Playing opposite Mr. Steward is Bobcat Goldwaith as Bob Catfish. The pairing of these two talents goes to prove that Kipzar may indeed have another hit on its way.
A free promotional bus tour was launched in Jacksonville Florida earlier this summer. The tour will travel along the eastern coast of the United States making numerous stops along the way. The bus is expected to arrive in Passamaquoddy by Thanksgiving weekend where “A Fishmas Tale” will premier at the Passamaquoddy Cinema.
On board the bus guests can listen to a cassette tape of the films soundtrack and view storyboards. The tour concludes with a viewing of a Nautica Ski Boat trailer located at the back of the bus. Free Fish Sticks and Herring Whips will also be provided.
It has been a bad month here in Passamaquoddy. And things just keep getting worse. This past weekend, the “Passamaquoddy Bank and Reel Repair” was robbed. The gentleman approached the teller window carrying a large duffel. He demanded the teller “donate” $10,000 to his duffel. When interviewed, the teller commented “the robber was a nice guy and had me laughing, but the Hoagy Cagg resemblance was striking and creepy. He even smelled a bit.”
Sick how the world, just a few weeks after his passing, still takes advantage of a mans good smell.
The tellers security cam captured this look at the Hoagy Look-Alike who kept shouting “Fred will be so pleased!” He even asked the teller if he would become a fan of this robbery on Facebook.
This isn’t the first time that this particular bank was robbed.
As you can see from these archived security camera shots, this bank was once robbed by “Men at Work” front man Colin Hay and on a different occasion by the late Hervé Villechaize.
On an unrelated note, congratulations go out to Lou Mongello and the Dream Team project who amassed around $27,000 at their charity auction. Its a great cause and the team works year round to make it happen. Pretty incredible.
There are still plenty of questions and very few answers but here is what we know so far:
According to the initial coroner’s report Hoagy is indeed dead. Additionally, in a medical first, she insists that Hoagy actually smells better in death. He still smells awful but somehow a bit more tolerable.
Fans continue to snatch up Hoagy merchandise. A “Hoagy Cagg fanny pack” with dead fish head zipper sold on eBay for $78 to someone with the moniker “We Wants the Fish Heads”.
By formal request and to protect his anonymity, there will be no open viewing of Hoagy Cagg. But if you happen to be anywhere near the harbor, there is an open smelling down there.
For us in Passamaquoddy, we will always remember our faded starfish long before his stint on SURVIVOR: PASSAMAQUODDY. We’ll remember him from his feature film…
But the attraction is open. The “Pretty Good Movie Ride” is here and people have lined outside the door, many upset that the Limited Edition “Pretty Good Movie Ride Bobber Sets” are all gone. We’d love to hear anyone’s feedback on the attraction if they’ve been fortunate enough to get in.
We covered a lot during that time period. Some of the highlights include:
The opening of yet another PVC resort, MaMahiMahi Village
The election of Hoagie as most eligible bachelor.
The exciting conclusion of Survivor: Passamaquoddy
The denouncing and removal of Hoagie from most eligible bachelor.
Mitch opened his dance show on the new stage in Tilapialand
Days later, Mitch closed his dance show on the broken stage in Tilapialand.
Hoagie was exiled from town.
But, as we prepare for the opening of our town’s newest attraction. the Pretty Good Movie Ride, it became apparent that all of those updates were being done to Quodamapassy’s website, not Passamaquoddy. It seemed that all the super intelligent readers figured it out and turned out in droves. Others weren’t so lucky.
With the error taken care of, we will be posting again and as soon as the Pretty Good Movie Ride is open, I believe you’ll forgive the lack of updates. So watch this space really soon.